On Responsibility: What Do We Gain from Blame?

I get it a lot. That therapy is about blaming the parents for all that’s going wrong in our lives. There is a sense, that dwelling in the past is about finding a scapegoat for the problems in the present. The logical question follows: what good can come out of that? What do we gain from blame?

Jammie Holmes (2021), Blame the Man

The past should stay untouched

The reasons why we are who we are don’t matter or are too dark to be seen. Many people who are scared of therapy aren’t necessarily scared of the process itself but rather the fact that it might destroy the illusion they created around their childhood, their sense of Self. They feel like therapy might threaten the narrative they spun around their entire identity. And it makes sense. When we are small children our parents are everything for us. They don’t even have to do an amazing job at parenting. Very often the bare minimum is absolutely enough for a child’s undivided love and desire for appreciation. This love is often called unconditional. I would argue that maybe it is biologically determined. And that doesn’t mean it’s less or minor. It’s just very much conditioned to biology and sociology.

Kenrick McFarlane (2021), Untitled (Blue Soldiers)

We relive past relationships in the creative process

In psychodynamic therapy we spend a lot of time analyzing upbringing and the relationships of the client with their caregivers. We look at how current behavior patterns might have been implemented through early childhood experiences and we question limiting beliefs and their origin. In art therapy we do that, too. Because the idea of feeling the current relationship in order to understand the one in the past and vice cersa is present at any moment. It’s present when we are confronted with perfectionism, anger, the fear of failure, the wish to fulfill someones expectations, the dread to be seen. We relive all of that within the creative process. It happens, whether consciously or not.

And sometimes we even realize that the love we were given wasn’t enough. That we couldn’t receive it in the way we needed to. That is was clouded by our parent’s own drama, their struggles, their history. That they were preoccupied with other things. Like putting food on the table. Surviving trauma. Going through heart break. Depression. Not feeling themselves. As a child we experience this as a form of neglect, mistreatment and in worst cases abuse. We didn’t get enough of what we needed. 

Egon Schiele (1917), The Embrace

Coping mechanisms are nothing to be ashamed of

In order to survive we create coping mechanisms that help us deal with this experience of scarcity. We become hyper independent, we hide our own emotions, hold back on our creations, we entertain perfectionism, we become controlling, anxious and maybe even violent. Some retreat completely. Hide behind the closed doors of a fortress they built around their heart. Protection and safety has many different faces. It comes in all shapes and colors. And it is not something one should be ashamed of.

Healing requires us to deconstruct illusions

But parental wounds are often the most scary one’s to address. Maybe because you idolized your parents. Maybe because you needed the illusion of at least one parent being kind and perfect. Maybe because loosing the idea of a parent is more scary than acknowledging the pain they caused you. Or maybe even because the overflowing guilt of saying out loud, that the parenting you’ve experienced was dysfunctional. This society values parenting so much, that people (especially women) who decide against it are often viewed as selfish or too immature to understand the gift that comes with baring children. Yet nobody speaks about how difficult parenting is. Too often it is ignored how parenting can go wrong. How much having a child reinforces the trauma of having gone through the experience of being a child of an insufficient parent.

In therapy we create space for those feelings. We allow sentences like: ‚I feel my parents weren’t really there for me / didn’t really listen to me / didn’t really care.’ And it’s not an easy thing to say. Not even to think. It can deconstruct illusions that were built around the composition of childhood memories that keep us going. And who are we to blame our parents for what is wrong with us today?

William Merrit Chase (1884), The Young Orphan

Creating chaos in order to heal

Allowing space for the hurt and anger caused during your upbringing isn’t about blame. Nor is it an excuse to act like an asshole today. It is however key to understanding what troubles you, what scares you and why, and how to get over it. By accepting the fact, that our parents weren’t perfect we allow ourselves to heal. We don’t simply give up on our responsibility for our own life and our behavior, but we make space for understanding where we come from in order to figure out how we can get to where we want to go.

The creative process is exactly that. It’s about dismantling the pieces, about questioning beliefs, ideas, impulses, about creating chaos. The overwhelm that can come from starting something without knowing where it takes us is an inherent part of the process. The vision might come first, but let’s be honest: how often do we actually end up where we wanted to go? Yes, we can create paintings, drawn from our imagination, an exact picture of the subject in our mind. But more often than not we get side tracked. We are distracted by new ideas, that after some time feel more fitting. We are limited by our skills and the physicality of the chosen medium. We feel forced to allow space for coincidence, for the spontaneous, the surprise. And we should. Just like taking apart our family history, taking apart our imagination can help us grow. Expand from the narrow mind we all are blessed and cursed with at the same time.

In art therapy we experiment with the given to create the new

And yet we would never grant creative success to coincidence. No, we praise the artist. We are astonished by their work, jealous even, that we couldn’t get there ourselves. We walk through exhibitions thinking: „That must feel so amazing to be seen like this.“ And it is. In order to feel seen, we must see for ourselves. Starting at the very beginning is necessary. No blame, just curiosity, feeling what needs to be felt. Dealing with what needs to be dealt with.

Moving on from an idea, an image, the exhilarating expectations of an ongoing creation can feel like a loss. Because it is one. And it should be acknowledged as that. Loosing the idea of a perfect childhood, an always loving mother, a protective parent, is deeply painful. But it’s not where the work ends. Not in art nor in therapy. From breaking the pieces apart we go to putting them back together. We recreate. Our relationships with our parents just as much as our paintings, sculptures or poems. This is how a sketch turns into something more tangible. We take it one step at a time. Art therapy allows us to practice this process. It is a space where we can experiment with the given to create the novel. Where we play around with what we have. Acknowledging what caused us pain is not giving up responsibility. It’s the opposite even.

Faith Riggold (1969), Part Time

Therapy is about owning your pain

Making space for feeling our pain, makes us accountable. Because then we own it. We take it for what it is, we contain it, we are present for it and then we figure out how we can change our relationship to it. Pain can be a tremendous driver for change. Even in the softest ways. Because by acknowledging the pain caused by the people who were determined to love us no matter what, we also acknowledge, that our parents did not exist in a vacuum, when they had us. Healing doesn’t end in the therapy room. It just starts there. It goes on outside. In the streets. In the offices. In the everyday scenarios. Those are the spaces, where trauma is caused. Where our parents got so hurt, that they fucked up their most important mission. I think it’s fair to say that they too were just children of this world. Forced to survive in a system that never looked out for them. 

Healing mean creating a world in which we can thrive in

Healing also means questioning that system. What does capitalism have to do with an absent father? What does patriarchy have to do with domestic violence and abuse? How is it connected to an emotionally unstable mother? How does war affect the way we are listened to? Why is climate change disrupting the connection to our caregiver? When we look into the past, we don’t just look at individuals that failed us. We look at a world that failed us. And is continuing to do so. 

Healing is not only about quieting down the symptoms. Reducing the anxiety. Popping antidepressants. Going on a diet. True healing is about co-creating a world, in which we don’t need those coping mechanisms anymore. In which we can live with a regulated nervous system. In which we can thrive. Responsibility is making the change we need for our own wellbeing. Organizing, resisting, teaching, caring. 

Aaron Douglas (1934), Aspects of Negro Life: From Slavery Through Reconstruction

The privilege of health care comes with a responsibilty for this world

Self-efficacy goes far beyond self-care, meditation and the occasional yoga retreat. It goes beyond setting boundaries and communicating your needs. Self-efficacy is about making a difference. On paper and in reality. In our relationships and in politics. In our workspace and regarding climate change. So instead of looking at therapy as a never ending spiral around one’s own ego, try seeing it as an initiation to finally take responsibility for your surroundings. For your community and the generations that come after. Most of our parents didn’t have the luxury of talking about their feelings, of taking time off to heal. They pushed through. Because that was their way to go. That doesn’t free them from the responsibility of healing today, but it might explain, why they didn’t heal back then. With the privilege of mental health care comes responsibility. For yourself, others and the planet. So no blame game. No hiding. No finger pointing. Instead ask yourself: „What can I do, that can help me and my community to heal?“

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